Beyond Small Talk: Deepening Begins with Questions
This reflection is part of a Comfort Notes series exploring the questions, insights, and human moments that emerge from our work with Medical Aid in Dying.
Prefer listening?
Some people find these reflections easier to absorb when heard aloud. Click on the play button below.
Our correspondence with the doctors and hospice we work with includes a lot of gratitude back and forth for the roles we each play in the lives and deaths of our shared clients. Yet despite being in frequent contact, we rarely get the chance to simply know one another as people.
Recently, I took the opportunity of a beautiful summer day to change that and invited the people who make up this circle of care over for a swim in the river and a potluck meal at my home.
People arrived with partners and spouses, balancing bouquets of flowers and salads made from their gardens. After a refreshing swim in the river, we gathered on the back deck, overlooking the water sparkling in the setting sun.
Before we ate, we took a moment to recognize another bond we share besides our love of Vermont and good food.
Our work asks us to help clients and families navigate some of life's deepest questions about dying. But in the midst of answering theirs, we don't always make time for our own questions to surface.
That Sunday afternoon, we did.
A few of the many questions that surfaced were:
What did my dad see as he was dying that was so wondrous?
What happens to my consciousness when I die?
If we are not promised tomorrow, how will I live today?
If death gives life meaning, why are people so afraid of it?
After our meal, we divided into small groups and talked about the questions we carry.
In my own small group, I found myself having conversations we'd never come close to having before. Around me, I could hear the same thing happening: laughter, tears, animated voices. Not an awkward silence or lull anywhere.
When we came back together, someone said, "We sure made it well beyond small talk!"
We certainly did. And my heart filled with gratitude.
We are frequently given the great honor of witnessing beautiful, intimate moments between our clients and the people who love them. But something deepens when we make room for our own questions, too.
Perhaps what deepens is our comfort: with death, with one another, and with the work itself. And perhaps the more comfortable we become sitting with these questions ourselves, the more fully we can offer that comfort to others.
What question about death or dying do you carry?
Maybe it's one you've never said aloud. Maybe you don't have an answer. You don't need one.
I'd love to hear your question.
Next time, I'll share my own response to one of the questions from that afternoon: If we are not promised tomorrow, how will I live today?
That one is still resonating for me.
It's an honor,
Leslie Zucker
Executive Director
The Comfort Project
P.S. If you've enjoyed this series, we'd be honored to continue the conversation. Receive future Comfort Notes and heartfelt stories from The Comfort Project.
